The Quiet Disconnect

You know, lately I find that I have been feeling like a machine. Programmed to just do the tasks with no feelings or emotions, or sometimes just complacent in everything. To be honest, I kind of find living life easier this way; it means that I don’t need to really respond, just do what needs to be done. A task list. But I have noticed that there is a price to living this way; you feel almost starved for something. That’s how I feel, emotionally malnourished.

Now, it is not all the time, but it is so easy to just slip into this comfortable complacency and just exist. I envy those who can operate like that, unperturbed. I just don’t think I am built for that life. I think my anxiety needs to feed on something, so I cannot possibly live unaware of anything. So does that make me too aware then? Is being too aware problematic? I will say it is exhausting thinking about all the things. However, I don’t really know any different from what I already do and how I think. I doubt this will sound familiar, but I feel like there was one day where I felt like I just “clicked” with being an adult, and it has been downhill ever since.

Mindset shifts have never really come for me. I am never sure of the mechanics. Does the change happen in small increments, or one big bang that I institute? My views are constantly questioned just by the world we live in now; everyone has to stand for something. I can imagine that growing up in this time would make forming values and opinions difficult, with how confounding it all is. Maybe I am still a victim of it. So many invitations to believe different things, and yet, I have no idea which to choose. It’s like a revolving door of options, and none look good.

I still have that nagging feeling from high school, you know, the one where you don’t feel like you fit in anywhere. That feeling has become like the laugh track that plays in the background of a reality TV show, almost mocking. Well, that feeling keeps me stuck. I am afraid of choosing to believe in something that also has an opposite side that hates you for not choosing them. They don’t even know you! But just because you are associated with the “enemy,” somehow you’re bad.

So, I guess to me, staying complacent is comfortable and easy. Perhaps that is the Quiet Disconnect talking. I know there are going to be times when this doesn’t work. Hopefully, by then, I will have more of an idea of what I stand for. Or maybe I have not connected face to face with the soul-crushing hardships of life yet, cause that must be where the real growth happens.

Stay Kind Friends,

Ryleigh